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Break Up With Your Break Up Story

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How breaking up the narrative of a failed relationship can help you move on

Breakups can painful and difficult to move on from. They can be distracting and painful, but therapist Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., urges clients to rethink the narrative of their relationship to form a better outlook on the future. Are you reflecting on your time together truthfully? What is an honest story of the time you spent together? How you tell the story of a relationship impacts your impression of the time you spent together, and changing the narrative can help people develop a more positive outlook and find closure. Firestone lists five critical steps to rethinking your kinship for a constructive new beginning.

  1. Acknowledge your “critical inner voice” and filter out the negativity.
  2. Let go of the fantasy of love
  3. Adopt a growth mindset
  4. Practice self-compassion
  5. Create a coherent narrative
    So whether you tell a friend, write it down, or just speak it to yourself, when you tell the narrative of a relationship, make sure it is honest and told in a way that helps you move on rather than holds you in the past. READ MORE

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How Do You Argue?

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Every couple argues, but the way they do it determines how happy they are

When you’re in a relationship, it’s pretty much a guarantee that you’re going to fight with your partner at some point – it’s an inevitable part of the deal. That’s right, even happily married couples who have been together for decades still argue every so often, but a new study finds that the topics they choose to argue about determines if their relationship will go the distance.

Researchers at the University of Tennessee arrived at this conclusion after analyzing two groups of a total of 121 happily married couples in their 30s and 70s. The groups were asked to list some of their most and least serious marital problems. Problems related to money, communication, and intimacy were listed as the biggest issues, while topics like jealousy and religion among their least pressing problems.

Then, as researchers observed these happy couples actually discuss some of their problems, they noticed that they were choosing to discuss problems that had a reasonably clear solution. Examples included discussing how to spend their leisure time, or who is responsible for which household chores.

What’s more, the happy couples almost never chose to discuss differences that were harder to resolve – a factor believed to have been critical to their marital happiness. READ MORE

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Desperately seeking security?

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How learning about attachment styles can improve your relationships

Sensations of comfort and calmness from a close relationship are developed from a young age. Children are taught they should derive love and security from their relationships. Children who experience close and rewarding personal relationships with family and friends are taught to seek our additional healthy and functional relationships later in life.

Psychologists and therapists call one’s degree of connection to healthy relationships their “attachment style”. Attachment styles include secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Fortunately, adults can ameliorate their attachment style even as they grow older. Learning more about the different types of attachment style can help you identify yours and maybe even rethink the types of relationships you seek out in your life.

Read the full solutions news article below to learn more about the different styles of attachment and how they can impact your personal relationships. READ MORE

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Keep Showing Up

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How to keep your relationship healthy during times of stress

When we’re feeling a high level of stress, our brain’s prefrontal cortex goes offline, hijacking our capacity to think clearly and limiting our ability to solve problems. Especially in relationships, stress can bring the worst out of us and make us too focused on ourselves. This can leave both partners feeling alone and disconnected, amplifying an already stressful situation. To maintain your relationship, you need to keep showing up for yourself and teach your partner how to show up for you. The following four steps will teach you how to do just that.

First, be extra diligent about communicating your needs during this time. Tune into yourself first to see what it is you might be needing during a stressful time. Do you want your partner to just listen, or do you want them to engage in problem-solving with you? Do you want a hug, do you need space? Be specific about the behavior you need. Then when you’re feeling less stressed, find out what your partner might need when they’re dealing with stress. The tables will turn at some point.

Secondly, touch your partner. Physical touch releases oxytocin, the cuddle hormone, which helps calm our nervous systems and promotes well-being. Touch between romantic partners is so powerful it can even provide relief from physical pain.

Next, don’t put all your eggs in one relational basket. We need our partners the most during stressful periods, but it’s important to recognize that support can also come from others. One critical way to protect your relationship is to lean on friends and family members who you trust with your vulnerability, especially if your partner is also caught in stress.

Lastly, keep showing up for yourself. This means being compassionate to yourself and finding stress reduction strategies that work for you when you’re alone, whether it’s meditating, exercising, or just making sure you get enough sleep. Finally, remember that you’re not alone with what you’re feeling. Everyone experiences stress sometimes, and there are other people in the world who feel the same as you right now. READ MORE

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Recharge Your Relationship

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4 strategies for clearing the bad energy out of your relationship

Bad energy can make its way into even the healthiest of relationships. If you feel like you’ve been butting heads with your partner rather than living harmoniously, here a few powerful yet simple ways to remove the bad energy and move past these difficult moments.

First way: the praise sandwich. Most of us feel more comfortable offering praise than criticism. Yet, on a regular basis, it’s the praise that falls by the wayside while we shoot off quick criticisms or reminders throughout the day. Over time, all those seemingly innocuous comments add up, and we start feeling unappreciated. To offset this buildup of negative energy, try using a “praise sandwich” when you have a complaint and offer a bit of constructive feedback to your partner at the same time. Once you’ve carefully delivered your constructive complaint, follow it with another piece of praise. This approach makes it easier for you to address something you’d like to see change and makes it more likely your partner will hear you openly without taking the criticism personally.

Second way: resentment clear-outs. When you allow tension and resentments to build up too long, they can eventually lead to a serious conflict. Instead, try scheduling time to share thoughts or tough emotions you are withholding with your partner. When done on a regular basis, this habit can drastically reduce the kind of day-to-day bickering that leads to larger and more dramatic conflicts.

Third way: laughing medicine. Rather succumbing to a moment’s outburst when you’re feeling angry, find a way to make it funny. Make an observation, reference an inside joke, or draw a parallel with something humorous you two experienced recently. This allows you to reframe your problems in a different way and can bring some fun back into your relationship.

Fourth way: compliment practices. In long-term relationships, we have a tendency to take one another for granted. But we should be doing the exact opposite. Try adopting a practice of sharing three things you appreciate about your partner at the end of each day. Over time you will find that the things you once fought over daily seem less significant, and your love for each other has become richer and stronger. READ MORE

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